ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß Û ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß Û ßß Û ÛÝßÛ ÜÜÜÛ ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÛÝßßß ÜÜÜÜ Û ÛÝßÛ ÜÜÜÛ Û Û ÛÝ Û ÛÝ Û ÛÜÜ Û Û ÛÝÛßÛ Û Û ÛßÛ Û Û ÛÝ Û ÛÝ Û ÛÜÜÛ ÛÝ Û ÛÝ Û ÛÜÜÜ ÛßßÜ ÛÝÜÜÛ ÛßßÜ ÛÜÛ ÛÜÜÛ ÛÝ Û ÛÝ Û ÛÝ ÛÝ ÜÜÜÜ ÛßÛßßÛ ÜÜÜÜ Ü ÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜ ÛÜÜ Û Û Û ÛÝ Û Û Û Û ÛÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÛÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ Û ÛÝÜÛ Û ÛßßÜ ÛÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ ÛÝ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE WAY I BECAME WHAT I AM - THE LIFE STORY OF THE MIGHTY SCI! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time and time again excited readers address me impetuously with the desire that I might please tell them a little more about my life. Nevertheless; my vanity is called non-vanity, and I would never have condescended to shooting the breeze and publicly spreading out piquant stories and lil' histories about my career and my very personally structured environment if not my enemy was on foot. Since years my enemy's been spreading preposterous rumors about me. In Nuremberg (he recently launched this lie in a local newspaper) I had crossed the street though the traffic lights had shown red, had called a policeman a SOB and additionally had blackmailed the Karstadt company for several million Deutschmarks which were to be thrown out of the rushing Intercity train Nuremberg-Munich fourteen times until I finally would have shown myself grateful enough to accept and pick up one of the briefcases. Besides that I had already hacked more than 50 BBSs and had broken into the German government computer network two times and into the central unit of the Bundesnachrichtendienst (Federal Secret Service). What a nonsense! But once, that is, now, those rumors have to be disproved by someone who got to know - by me. Actually the matter is completely different than my enemies pretend. I was born in October. It was a big thing. Fast growth, an extraordinary perceptive faculty, beauty of the body and the grace of my person's being soon attracted the attention not only of my family, relatives and neighbors, but also the interest of the people in general. When I was three years old I was already able to write, read, calculate, paint, play the violin, speak, juggle, step dance, sing, curse like the devil himself, quote Shakespeare by heart, bind my shoes myself and speak Japanese. Soon I was declared as a fascinosa, a wonder child. At the age of four years I was on stage for the first time at the state theater in Remagen. My show consisted of a ballet choreographed by myself, a performance, several beast of prey items and a speech on ethics and product marketing. As repetition I played X-mas songs on a block flute which I had carved by my own hands during the speech. Though I was at that time strongly influenced by Heidegger and Nietzsche, my parents soon recognized the gifted professional sportsman and the "homo politicus" in me so I was promoted accordingly and voted class leader right after being sent to school by absolute majority. But I also accomplished a deeply elaborated fitness program every day. Later this has helped me a lot. As class leader I enforced a modification of the quantity doctrine which was adopted by the Christian Democrats (educational reform). Politically I tended towards the radical middle; philosophically I undertook Husserl, Kant and Spinoza a critical revision; musically I was mainly influenced by Beethoven's late string quartets and Petra Pascal; with Jurgen Habermas, Eddy Merckx and the young Gorbatschow I developed an active correspondence; at training I improved my back-hand; I declined the phantasm of the dismembered body (Lacan). I was allowed to stay awake 'til after midnight. That way I could push my historical and scientific research. At my seventh birthday I got one of those chemical laboratories from a mail order house, and still on the same day I discovered three new molecules which were named after me. The experts were quite stunned, you can say! At school there were no problems. Based on a elite promotion program I finished school time in an accelerated order and passed my final graduation exams with an average of 0,9 (with bonus). Now I had free choice. I was fifteen years old and the world was an open field to me. At this point I have to add that I was ahead of my generation mates also with my traits of character. Friendship, maturity, discipline and the ability of incorporating new parts of personality along with taken responsibility for self control didn't sound like empty phrases to me, although due to my winning appearance I was constantly located in the focus of temporarily occuring sympathy declarations. I was thoroughly appreciated as a friendly, warm-hearted entertainer and house guest, as I could also stand a rough joke by opportunity and, from my side, didn't keep back when I was to influence bonmots who had a lot of esprit but also intellectual draught. Therefore there was no party I allowed myself to miss and I acquired a reputation as an outstanding company and world class dancer. In a parallel way I pushed my studies with force. Consequence: I'm a master of 249 languages, additionally more than 80 inner- african tribe dialects and Esperanto as well as the deaf-and-dumb-alphabet fluently. After my graduation an archeological enterprise lead me to lower India. There I discovered ancient documents which relativated the function of Jesus Christ thoroughly. Next I immatriculated in Oxford for the subjects science, aircraft constructing, medicine, law, moral theology, medieval history, environmental psychology and the advanced learners' program. My graduate studies lead me to Harvard, Bochum, Cambridge, Madrid and overseas, where I additionally graduated in ancient history, nuclear physics, design, finance management and fishing. During the semester vacations I traveled the world, arbitrated diplomatic security issues in my missions, improved my knowledge of human nature, gained a bunch of new friends and tied a new ribbon of sympathy around the globe. In Sicily I bested the Cosa Nostra, in Brazil I built up a cultural project village honorarily, in the Antarctic I stopped the ruinous exploitation, in Taiwan I reorganised the scholastic faculty, in the former Soviet Union I broke crusted structures and initiated the great change, and in Zaire I managed to teach chimpanzees the basics of integral calculus. E = mcý -I've been thinking about this for days as well. Then a scholarship from Germany's most famous yogurt producing company enabled me to study arts in Firenze/Italy (where I was extraordinaly impressed by the 'Uffici') as well as to work in an independent way as a creative fashion designer. Because I was myself my most exciting model my portrait soon smiled on the title pages of leading magazines like "TV Movie Guide", "Playgirl", "New Yorker", "Iswestija", "Vallendarer Heimat-Echo" (one of those weekly published small-town-24-pages-full-with-ads-and-other-crap-newspapers, you know ;) [the translator]), "Straight On", "Humming Load", "Newsweek" and "Emma". The Time Magazine voted me Man Of The Year three times in a row, but also the "Kicker" (German soccer mag) cared for me in an affecting way time and time again, awarded the top scorers' cannon to me, spoke up on my behalf as national team leader, sponsored my comeback as world champion in swimming and winner of the Wimbledon trophy and once arranged a speed-chess-tournament in which I beat Helmut Schmidt, Bobby Fischer, Sabine Hartelt, Garry Kasparow, Bob Dylan and Oskar Lafontaine simultaneously, and in a contest with the alltime master Karpow I still made it to a tie game, though the situation seemed hopeless, by a bishop-castle-combination-sacrifice on C7. And at golfing, this was confirmed by Franz Beckenbauer and big ace Bernhard Langer, I am not 'handicapped', as far as this is concerned, at all. Today my name is mentioned in the same breath as is Julius Caesar, Charlemagne and Eugen Egner. My world tours made millions of bucks, but they also were quite exhausting. For Germany I helped building up a new image internationally. I'm not able to count all the Oscars, Bambis and Springfield Literature Awards anymore. In my musical creations I'd say I'm still rather to be associated with Mozart, in my educating arts with Picasso, in sports with Muhammed Ali and Pel‚, theoretically with Sokrates and Adorno, charismatically with John F. Kennedy or Napoleon, literary with Goethe, in industrial economies with Josef Boven, in light Muse with Petra Pascal, in the film metier with Sergej Eisenstein and Wim Wenders, in the world of fashion with Coco Chanel, in popularity with Helmut Kohl and as chickchaser and admirer of women as such only with Arno Schmidt, Willy Brandt and that thick dude Dembski. But then came the great change; then it was all over. It all started real harmless. At an art exhibition in Berkeley on behalf of the Society for Muscular Atrophy where I was to hold the opening speech my enemy moved a plate at the buffet in a way that I by mistake supported my hand on a slice of liver sausage. Nobody had seen it, so I cleaned my hand secretly with the table-cloth whereas I unfortunately pulled the same one too strongly so that the plate with the slices fell to the floor. One of the plate's fragments pierced through the low-shoe and the toenail into my Big Uncle and caused an incised wound there which later in the evening tended to fester gangrenously. As I had already drawn much disagreeable attention to me and my little misfortune I suppressed my pain and made the best of this bad, bad job. During the speech I tangled. In the yellow press my fault was cut up thoroughly. Flying from Berkely to Milano/Italy I recognised in the bathroom that half of my foot was black and rotten. I called for a corpsman, and there came up a scandal on board because we had to make a forced landing. I was brought in a Portugese provincial hospital. Incompetent doctors removed the entire foot in their rapture. My luck, it seemed, had left me now. I sued them doctors and lost throughout all stages of appeal. Back home the linkage of disadvantegous happenings continued rattlingly. My villa had been broken into, at cleaning up I sprained my elbow and a clique of some ambitious wanna-be-adepts forced me out of my leading position in the board of directors of the Society for Born Life. At the same time I lost 20 million Deutschmarks at the stock exchange and my family doctor diagnosed an itching fungus in my step. I was eaten with headaches. A stale and scaly taste crept into my oral cavity and dwelt there. More and more greasily my hair wound down the back of my head, digestion came to a standstill, a groin rupture forced me on the couch. Through the grapevine I found out that, caused by a formal mistake, my baccalaureate had been annulled. The recourse claims of numerous institutes whose scholar I had been forced me to sell the bulk of my immovables. Right after that I was hypothecarily and economically considered as revoked; it didn't take much time until home and stove were impounded, and I would almost have had to live on the street if before I hadn't been arrested and hospitalized into the penitentiary's surgical emergency reception. When I awaked out of anesthesia I noticed that both my legs had been amputated up to the frills. I was fallen a victim of confusion. Now I fell into depressions. My skin peeled, I lost the power of vision, and in various dreams I was pursued by offspring from hell. And then it became real bad with me. All 43 women who I had married right out of my mood during a UN inspection in Saudi-Arabia left me. I fell into coma, got German measles and chicken pox and had to suffer a bypass operation which developed unfortunately. Meanwhile I was dismissed from all of my worldly honorary offices. Financial officers from five continents administered the bankrupt's estate of my property. In the Louvre my installations fell victims of an acid attack. I was locked in the blackest cellar where spiders and reptiles jumped around each other. Now I was lying there, fixed to the wall with heavy iron chains, in the humid, dark, dirty atmosphere, deprived of my rights, comatose. My songs vanished out of the Top Fifty, Leo Kirch, a German media enterpreneur, sold my cinematics at loss, and my enemy triumphed ... When I awaked out of coma seventeen years later I immediately set off to work on my comeback. Until now all seems to develop outstandingly. In evening class I've repeated my baccalaureate (average 0.4 with super bonus), I'm already doing the 100-m-distance without crutches in 5.34 seconds and my entry into the European Parliament is considered done. At the moment I'm writing the treatment for an amusing hi-brow feature film about me and my interesting life which is presumably going to make it to 1.2 billion Dollars worldwide. The advertising contracts probably won't be anything to sneeze at either. And when I've made it, when I've again joined the Upper Ten, then I will buy a person who will talk into my enemie's conscience, or who will even crush him at once, I will think about that when the time has come. Maybe I will just go back to the hydrochloric acid method because for my enemy, Hellfire, I then won't avoid neither expenses nor pain. CU...I`M THE MIGHTY SCI! :-) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- He who corrects or imitates orthographic mistakes or brings himself into possession of corrected or imitated orthographic mistakes or brings corrected or imitated orthographic mistakes into circulation will be punished with Kelly Family music with a duration of no less than two years !!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Translated by Streusel^UE^CRK *